I Wonder...

It's always fun to imagine what we might look like when we're older. What's more fun is exagerrating the characteristics that we already have.

Take my buddy, Liam. He's already balding, but in case you were wondering what he might look like in five years.



As we all know people's ears and noses continue to grow with age. Micah won't be happy.



Neither will I.



And if my beautiful wife was an anime character?



And finally, what if Glen was gay and ugly?

I'm Back-ish

While I'm a lot more interested in the political climate rather than the NOTHING climate, I thought I would write a little something.

Since my job, essentially, is to talk to people about anything they would like (within reason...most of the time), I have come across some interesting people and interesting quotes in my month here.

So, I'll throw out some daily quotes for ya...

Here is one from yesterday...

"Only Korean people understand the need for room salons."

And today...

"Horoscopes generally do not apply to Koreans."

Brilliance.

Election Break...

I'm putting this on hold for a few weeks. The election and work are taking up most of my time. Blabbing about nothing doesn't make the cut.

Misogynism at its best...

This was too funny not to post.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Sound of the Week: Techno Remix

Queen is one of the greatest bands of the past century and I really didn't discover their greatness until I moved to Korea and made a slight crack in the jam band bubble that I had chosen to keep myself in for the past ten years. So, today I'd like to offer this great Queen tune that has been remixed to my liking.

Here's the original of "Living on my own".

And here's the techno remix.



The remix is better and really rocks from 1:45 on...

Long Hours

For the past three weeks I have been putting in some serious working hours. I'm averaging around 80-85 hours a week. It hasn't been that bad really and I would be a lot more eager to work these hours if it didn't include a stop over at my old school to teach the kids. However, it seems that they still can't get their shit together over there and have yet to find even one new teacher. My responsibilities officially end on August 29th there and I am counting down the hours.

Sound of the Week: Techno Remix

It appears that work and everything else is finally setting itself into a nice steady routine, so I should be able to focus a little more on this site. I say that, but I'm not so sure. The political season is getting pretty hot, so The Clam might be seeing a lot more action regardless.

Still, I'm here now and want to introduce the musical theme of the week: The Techno Remix!

So, today's super amazing remix features a John Parr song from the classic film, St. Elmo's Fire.

Click here for the original.

Here's the remix...



Any remixes you want to hear?

The Tough Guy Chronicles: Used Bathwater

This is an odd Tough Guy today. The blog is in Spanish and I didn't even bother to translate any of it because the title was enough.


First the full title, " Bathwater: I Still Love to Wash in Your Old Bathwater".

That's gross. Do I have to write more?

***Update***

I did translate some of it and this is what I got...

"And the only thing I wanted was the simple things, a kind of simple life. And all you needed was a simple man .. As a patient you are looking for domestic abuser fight, everything that I wanted were things simple. A kind of simple life .. If we knew tomorrow for the first time Will start all over again? Will attempt to make my own? Now all the simple things simply are quite complicated for my life .. When everything you always wanted are things simple. A kind of simple life."

I guess she broke up with someone and apparently he might have loved a good "domestic abuser fight". Who doesn't? I would like to mention that this Tough Guy posted the lyrics to Don't Speak, so her ex is lucky to have made it out. And since she titled her blog "I Still Want to Lay in Your Filth", I can only imagine that she is pretty obsessed (or waiting for that invisibility suit to be created).

Can you think of a better way to say "I Still Love to Wash in Your Old Bathwater."


***Update 2***

Wait! Do you think that she has kept his old bathwater in her bathtub since they broke up and she STILL loves to wash in it? If so, then she might just be the toughest Tough Guy yet.

About time

We all heard so many great things about the "future" when we were growing up. Ronald Reagan promised us star wars, Michael J. Fox teased us with the hover board and The Jetsons made us believe that robots with attitudes would be doing our laundry. Yet, here we are in the year 2008 and I haven't seen anything even close to that. I feel like it was common knowledge that we would at least have flying cars by now and still we have nothing. In fact, before today I couldn't have thought of one invention that seemed "futurey".

Luckily, some nerds at Berkley have been spending millions to give people like me some hope for a sensationally fictionalized future.

"Scientists have created two new types of materials that can bend light the wrong way, creating the first step toward an invisibility cloaking device. One approach uses a type of fishnet of metal layers to reverse the direction of light, while another uses tiny silver wires, both at the nanoscale level. Both are so-called metamaterials -- artificially engineered structures that have properties not seen in nature, such as negative refractive index."

So, light is bending and stuff is happening. I want to know if I can go to the store and buy an invisibility bodysuit. Again, my dreams were dashed.

"We are not actually cloaking anything," Valentine said in a telephone interview. "I don't think we have to worry about invisible people walking around any time soon. To be honest, we are just at the beginning of doing anything like that."

Nothing soon, but they did say that they are at the beginning, so I have some hope. I wonder though, if I were one of these scientists and I created a cloaking device I'm not so sure that I would tell other people about, so why would they? Don't you think that they would want to do a little spying before releasing it?

You know what I would do?



Nope. I would have something to do with this...



But what?

Olympics

Exclusive Summer Olympics news & widgets at NBC Olympics.com!

Weightlifting

고 and I are watching Weightlifting. It looks like it's going to be between Taiwan, Korea and Turkey for the top three spots. The great part about being in Asia for the Games is that the are aired LIVE. We don't have to hide from the news until the event airs. Also, it appears they are going to show all of the events rather than only a few events like the US did in 2004.

Live Update: Apparently, China decided not to enter the competition until the weight was up to 90k. Now it's between Turkey, China and Korea. China expects 78 gold medals from Lifting.

Live Update: The Chinese woman is up to 95k. The other two are still hanging out at 88k. This gold was already figured into the total amount expected, so the US didn't lose any ground.

It looks like China will get gold, Turkey silver and Korea gets the bronze.

"A vacation from ourselves"

Many people grow facial hair in the winter. Well, some people do. Last winter we all grew mustaches and have started to throw ideas around for this winter. The idea for this came last year when a reference to a classic Seinfeld surfaced. I forgot the title of the episode, but it opens with Jerry and George sporting the stache. They were taking a vacation from themselves.

I thought it was a good idea last year and would like to do something similar this year. The challenge will be that those who participated last year have either left Korea or work in different places this time around. A solo mustache doesn't have the same flare as a gaggle of staches, so it might need to be a little less overt.

Glen has suggested that we grow absurdly long and bushy "lamb chops" (stupid Brits). I assume he is referring to our old friend Ambrose.



Connecting the side burns to the stache presents a problem for most non-Union Army generals, but there are plenty of options. We could grow long soul patches or neck beards. We could do the reverse mullet and grow our bangs out really long.

Any suggestions?

Ban the Glasses

We were eating dinner last night and our server was wearing the same kind of glasses that every rapist and pedophile I see on TV seem to sport. So, I think the best way to catch a pedophile is not through extensive manhunts after the fact, but by arresting everyone who is wearing these specific frames.

This is Marc Dutroux. He's a Belgian pedophile and if he was arrested the second he purchased these glasses, then he would not have committed the crime.

By the way, this guy is a member of a political party in Belgium. Their stated goal:

"To push for a cut in the legal age for sexual relations to 12 from 16 and the legalisation of child pornography and sex with animals."

And you know why they want to lift the "ban"?

"A ban just makes children curious."

Using the old same drug use argument, huh? Do they really think that because sex with old men is banned, that children are going to be more curious? I'm afraid not Belgium.

So, rather than getting into just how disturbed that reasoning is or the fact that they claim that they "want to get into parliament so we have a voice. Other politicians only talk about us in a negative sense, as if we were criminals", I think I have figured out how to put an end to this crime all together.

Ban the glasses. Problem solved.

***Update***

While looking for more pictures of these glasses, I came across this video.

This guy's got it down.

The Amazing Traveling Mixer Party

We wrapped up a booze-heavy tour of everyone's new digs yesterday in what Mike titled "The Amazing Traveling Mixer Party". I think it's fair to say that everyone had an excellent time. Here are some excepts and pics from the sign book that was passed around as we ventured from place to place.

Phil's Place : Rum and Daft Punk

"Phil's place (and hat) encompass everything that is right and wrong with Britain. I have no idea why...but yeah... It's true. Good drinks, good hats, and pillows that look like turds. Awesome."

"I'm so glad that I'm at Phil's place rather than Glen's. Glen's feet smell, but luckily they have yet to penetrate the innocence of Phil. I hate Glen."

"I like the earth tones of Phil's apartment. It really captures the essence of Mother Gaia (sp?). It also mixes well the a big, blue sex-machine like me."

Glen's Place : Gin and Kylie Minogue

"Your place is looking sweeeet, minus all the missing stuff. The purple blanket makes a big statement. Great job!"

"I have the same math book...how weird."

"I can't believe the amount of sperm that is already on your mouse."

"I've never seen so many jars of semen in all my life."

"Glen = cool
Glen's turtles = cooler
Glen's penis inside his turtles when he's alone = Wednesday"

Dave's Place : Vodka and Glen spilling everything

"Your apartment reminds me of a beautiful song. Maybe..."





"Most guys buy a big car to compensate for their lack of manhood. You bought a big fridge..."

"Great fridge, great drinks."

"I've been impressed before. Not this time."

"Great idea on bringing Glen's jars of semen over here. But why is one half-empty?"

Chicken Place: Pedophile Server, Beer, Sake

"Chicken was served by deviants"

"Like all chicken places in Korea, it has chicken and young couples on their last legs. Unlike most chicken places, it has a bust of Laurel & Hardy and Phil doing a second round of semen-head."

"Here we are... and Glen looks like a gay Jack Johnson."

"Phil just admitted that America was more advanced than England because we can marry men."

"George is a retard and has no idea about men. Just ask Glen!"

"You guys have no idea how embarrassing it was to be in a taxi with Glen and Phil!!! No more!!"

George and 고's Place: Whiskey, bluegrass and The Pet Shop Boys

"Nobody wears an Obama shirt quite as badly as you do but I like the scooter helmets"

"You are a cunt. No more to be said"

"You guys look the same. Same shirts, same hats! I'm hot in my hat. Where's the hammer?"

"Your home is very lovely. It was nice to make all the mean boys drink nasty drinks"

"All you need to do now is make babies! Baby 1, baby 2, baby 3, baby 4..."

The sign book did not make it beyond our place and neither did we. The rest of the party went on to Mike's place for LIT's and then to Hongdae for dancing.

So I figured I would take a guess as to what I would have written at Mike's and perhaps you will join in.

"So that's where Glen gets his jars."

Decorations...

It's odd. I'm not only in an office, but my office with my name on the door. I'm looking out my window while I swivel around in my chair. As you can tell, I did what so many others should have done and left my old school. It wasn't a bad school or anything, it's just that there wasn't anywhere to go and everyday was pathetically repetative. The same rooms, the same meals, the same students, the same everything for two years. I'm aware that many jobs and professions follow the same cycle, but in Korea, there is no reason for me to hop on that bus. There are so many oppurtunities for me to move on, so I did.

That being said, you can tell that I'm in my office. It's not much of anything yet, but I've been brainstorming what I can do to decorate. I would like to decorate it like my college apartments, but I don't think beads, bongs and Dead posters would suffice in such a place. I have a lot of wall space, a desk that is too big for me, two chairs, a computer and lockable shelf.


고 suggested that I buy a old-timey looking, classy framed map and stick it up there. I fired back with my Dem Donkey flag. So, I've been thinking of a few things and I want you to help.


Tom Selleck?

Or the cast of Melrose Place?

Tough decision. Any better ideas?

Sticking it to China

Take that China! Now they'll listen!

Too Much Smoke...

I moved on Saturday and have yet to get internet setup in our new place. I'm in a PC bang now and have forgotten how nasty these places are. There are tons of teenages smoking in close quarters while sipping on sugary drinks and playing World of Warcraft. Sometimes I forget how different these Korean teens are compared to those in the US. I mean, I'm pretty sure that most American teens were either playing sports, working, drinking, using drugs or just watching TV. And as unhealthy as a pot habit or the occasional afternoon beer might have been in highschool, I'm confident that these places are much worse. The smoke is so ackrid. Judging by the ashtrays of the two people next to me, I'd say that they've been in here for three days.

The PC bang and gaming culture here is absurd. I read a Time article the other day that was clearly written by a Korean who thought that what these kids are doing was comparable to playing sports. Praising this behavior is not the way to go about dealing with this PROBLEM.

I also know that Glen spends many, many hours in these places watching movies and I wonder how many years he's taken off his life just by sitting in here. I've got to get out of here. I'll be back and active tomorrow.

Until then...

Fun Night Indicators

The sun would barely be up, but always high enough to peek around the curtain that never seemed to do its job. The beams would hit my red crusted eyes and force them to slowly open after another night of too much everything. I would look down at my fully clothed self and wonder where I was the night before, how I got home and why there was a half a bowl of Cheerios and milk seaping into the carpet next to the bed. After a few minutes of letting my mind settle, I usually would try to stand up and that's when I would feel it. My foot would be bonded to the bed in a nice small, but thick pool of dried blood. I would take a closer look and then the clouded memories from the previous night would pour into focus. It usually was something like this... (I usually remembered being the shirtless trumpet guy)



After a night of dancing like that, this is what I would wake up to discover.



The broken toe was almost always an indicator of a good night. The pain, if felt at all, was often brief and overshadowed by the dancing, rockin' and booze. I can say that I have broken my big toenail close to forty times and each time I wake up to discover it crusted to my bed, a smirk comes across my face as I see the remnants of a fun night.

Do you have any indicators of a raucous evening?

Korean Weather

The weather in Korea sucks right now. In fact, the weather in Korea always sucks. The best month is October and June, but even those are perilously close to the rainy season which seems to be closer to four months long rather than the two months that it's "supposed" to be.

The past year was really bad as well. The summer went too long and cut deep into the fall giving us about two solid weeks of cool temperatures before winter slammed us for six months of frigid air. Of course, winter lasted until April and even gave us several flurries right there before May.

It's raining now and has for the last three days and will for the next two. About two years ago, I had a rainy arrival in Korea.

I have my going away party tomorrow night and then we have to move early Saturday in the rain. Perfect...

Here's some music for a rainy day...

Raise Your Hands!

I saw this a few months ago and had hoped that I would stumble across it again. There is no reason for this guy to be on stage.



I would prefer to be in the audience with this guy.

The Tough Guy Chronicles: Heil Tough Stuff

Finding good Tough Guys can be difficult as there are thousands of food-related, car-related, German, Spanish and fashion blogs that I must sift through to find a decent one. Today's Tough Guy embodies everything that a Tough Guy should. Well, scratch that. Today's Tough Guy is not funny. In fact, it's a Nazi blog from Spain. It's all in Spanish and there is nothing interesting to translate at all and since there's very low potential for humor on an Aryan site anyways, I guess I'll do a caption contest and see how that goes.

From, The Movement

Photo #1: The Car



Photo #2: The Bat




Photo #3: The Skirt




Photo #4: The Map




Good luck!

Also, feel free to give those in the photo's amusing names. And if you were at a party with those featured on this site, what song would you play first?

Here's my go to song...



I'd want to get the bat guy alone.

The Tough Guy Chronicles: Cold as Ice

Today's Tough Guy has a lot to learn. Apparently, common sense is lost on our writer as they attempt to fall asleep.

From the Ramble Kid,

Titled: Listen to Big Sister

"I had a headache and thought a little coffee would zap the problem. My sister said that I wouldn't be able to sleep if I had the coffee. She was right. It is almost 2:30 in the morning, and I am not the least bit drowsy. The two Excedrin got rid of my headache. Of course Excedrin contains caffeine. Ultimately I was up until past 5:00 am. Never again shall I enjoy my coffee at night. Plus my teeth are starting to hurt from eating trays of ice cubes compulsively. Perhaps an iron deficiency. I need a sleeping pill the size of a donut."

I wish that I could make this stuff up. Our Tough Guy had a little headache, so they decided to drink a some coffee. Sounds about right. Many pain relievers contain caffeine and caffeine can relieve tension headaches in many cases. However, they omitted what time they consumed said coffee. If this Tough Guy had any sense, then I would hope that they knew that caffeine would also have the side effect of sleeplessness. What wait. Not only did they drink coffee to "zap" the headache, they decided that two Excedrin was needed on top of that. So, they knowingly took two doses of serious caffeine, complained about it online at 2:30am and then deservedly fell asleep at 5:00am. And all they can say is "Listen to your big sister". This is a total lapse in judgement.

I'm wondering though, what is the living arrangement here? Are these siblings living together or does our Tough Guy just like to bother family members with petty problems much like The Shredder did? And if so, I would think that our Tough Guy would value the advice of an older sister since it is apparently sought after so regularly.

Also, what they hell is the deal with the ice? Tough Guy's "teeth are starting to hurt from eating trays of ice cubes compulsively". I have only known dogs to eat ice cubes. Youtube agrees.

I guess my question is: What kind of person eats entire trays of ice cubes? Or what would you offer Tough Guy as a substitute for such an addiction?

Give me a swaller

The next little number is one that I doubt more than thirty people have ever seen played live and the song itself isn't that great, but it serves its purpose well for the theme of this installment.

Many a night during my freshman year at UT, my roommate Sid and I were left with an empty pipe, spilled beer and early morning classes (which I would skip and play Pacman Advneture). Since we were both at the height of our bluegrass obssesion, we would regulary pass out (not fall asleep) while singing this tune. We turned it into a duet and most of the time I took the easy part before Sid would get a chance.

Here's the Dillards with "Dooley" from one of the greatest shows.



Me: Dooley

Sid: Flipping up a holler

Me: Dooley

Sid: Trying to make a dollar

Me:...Dooley

Sid: Give me a swaller and I'll pay you back some day

Sid would sometimes complain that he never got the easy part, but for those of you who know me (and have heard me in 노래방) should understand my desire NOT to sing.

Good times...

Sound of the Week: Bluegrass

I'm going to spice band of the week up and offer my story of how I came to that music or a memory that goes along with it.

We'll start out with two versions of a great song, "Ruby".

First of all, I first heard this song on an amazingly perfect Spring Break back in 2002. Six years ago. Wow! We went to see 311 in North Carolina (it was okay), then a week of backpacking in Shenandoah, followed by Yonder Mountain String Band in Cincinnati. I remember driving up to the show after the backpacking. It was me, Shane, Sid and Mike in my old run-down '89 Blazer. We were all roommates. When we arrived in Cincinnati, we were pretty impressed with it. It was a medium size city that looked like it used to be big or was on the verge of booming decades ago. It never did. Our friend John used to live there as a kid and always went on and on about how great it was. The second we arrived there we saw what appeared to be a plane or perhaps a satellite crashing to the earth in the distant sky. We weren't sure though and tried to follow it, but were unsuccessful. I still wonder.

The show was at the Southgate House where the Tommy Gun was apparently invented. It was an odd venue. The show was in this average size hall with a balcony. I remember it was very barn-like inside; a lot of old wood and a musky smell. There was also a very post-modern museum on the top floor. We ventured up there before the show started, but got frightened when we saw the strange lighting and structures in there so we quickly scurried back down top the hall.

The first band was "Jim, Jenny and the Pinetops". The bass player look just like Richard Dreyfus. Either way, they played "Ruby" and it was amazing. YMSB came on after that and they rocked it. We drove back to Tennessee that night. It was a long drive, but one of dozens of all-night drives that Sid and I would make together. All in all, it was a great trip and fond memory.

"Sid, I bet I can fall asleep in ten seconds."

So, here is the Osborne Brothers with "Ruby"



And here is a young Ricky Scaggs.



Any bluegrass fans or good stories?

The Tough Guy Chronicles: Cold Water Bucket Treatment

There are only a few things that I know to be true: All men look better with a mustache, tuxedo T-shirts will always be fashionable and that today's Tough Guy has got to be one of the most obnoxious people I have encountered.

Today's Tough Guy known as Nicole Mobile seems to think that taking pictures of things like this and adding the caption:

"On my way home from work, in the elevator that takes me to the underground parking."

r how about this one captioned "Vacuuming Action"


By the way, the writer of this blog is a woman and judging by the arm hair I think it's safe to say that she's European.

This type of blog is hard to comment on since it has no text, stories or anything decent to look at. So, how about this. I'll follow her for a day or so and make my comments on her excellent images.

"We woke up early today because my live-in boyfriend Vincent and I were woken up by his child from a previous one-night stand. So, we did what most parents would do and gave him the "cold water bucket treatment". We left him there and went back to sleep for a few hours."


"After our morning drinks, little Billy came running up to us to show us what he'd been working on for the past few days. "



"I thought it was crap, so I let him know it. If you want to succeed you have to be able to take criticism."

"We wrecked it up good. After another cold water bucket (CWB) for little Billy, we decided to meet some of our wacky friends."

"This is Clyde. He is the wackiest guy I know. I can't believe that someone is as creative as Clyde. He wants to be a writer you know. After laughing at his chop stick antics for hours, we decided to go out and have a seat at a local cafe. All of a sudden, this kid came up and was bragging about how good at drawing he was. I let him know that I did not like the one on the right."

"I mean, just look at the hair and how out of proportion the head is to the rest of the body. We gave him a CWB immediately. After we ripped up his drawings, I decided that it would be funny to steal his shoes."

"After our morning fun, we headed over to the Medicare office to see if we could get a little extra help from the tax payers. "

"Then it was off too Target. I waned these shoes so badly, but Vincent said that we couldn't afford it."

"They're so nice! I'll have to save up I guess. Luckily, our pal Maurice was nearby and we hit the strip and just cruised."

"I rolled the window down and put my hand out and made it glide up and down to the beat. He was playing my favorite song. "

"The cruise was amazing. I never knew a Geo Metro had so much gusto. Finally the day came to end and Vicent and I had to go to our duplex."

In all seriousness, the amount of energy that it took to look this blog is amazing. The images are so damn boring and even though she's trying to capture the mundane of life, this is too much. I don't care what the super market looks like. I could care less what dinner you made for dinner and if I see a picture of Vincent one more time I will fly to Australia and start my own blog about Nicole working on Nicole's blog about Nicole.

A commenter suggested that I cover this blog and I appreciate the interest, but this was draining. I challenge anyone to spend more than five minutes looking at this blog.

If you could ask Nicole one thing, what would it be?

Do you have any advice for Vincent?

Moving Time

Well, I'm moving again. This will be the fourth place that I've lived in while in Korea and it is by the far the best. So, while I start the daunting task of packing up all of our stuff, I am struck by the amount of times I have done this.

Let's see if I can count.

1) 1982-1997 Nashville, TN (Family)

2) 1997- March 2001 Franklin, TN (Family)

3) March 2001 - June 2001 Franklin, TN (Clay's house)

4) June 2001 - August 2001 Tulsa, OK (Family)

5) August 2001 - May 2002 Knoxville, TN (Dorm)

6) May 2002 - May 2003 Knoxville, TN (House with Sid and John)

7) May 2003 - December 2003 Knoxville, TN (House with Jay)

8) January 2004 - May 2005 Knoxville, TN (Solo)

9) May 2005 - August 2005 Knoxville, TN (House with Roger and Bcat)

10) August 2005 - June 2006 Cincinnati, OH (Sister)

11) July 2006 - April 2007 Seoul, ROK (Solo)

12) April 2007 - September 2007 Seoul, ROK (고운)

13) September 2007 - July 2008 Seoul, ROK (고운)

14) July 2008 - ??? Seoul, ROK (고운)


How many times have you moved?

The Heritage of My Face

"Right in the face!" or "Get outta my face!" are some of my favorite quotes because anything that is "in the face" is funny...in the face.

My previous two posts have been dealing with the nuances of my facial resemblace to famous lesbian teevee icons, like... well, just one: Ellen.

There is a little known site called My Heritage. On this site, you can put in a picture and the program will find celebrities that you resemble. Simple.

So, I'm going to put in 5 totally different pictures of myself and see who comes up. I'll give you the top 5 on each.

First image going in is my drivers license from when I was 21 year old.

MyHeritage: Celebrity Collage - Geneology - Family tree templates

Here is onw from last year.

MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celeb - Collage - Morph

And this is the most lesbian one I can find.

MyHeritage: Family trees - Genealogy - Celebs - Collage - Morph

So, do you see Ellen? No, I see some dude name William Moseley and Aretha Franklin. But now I feel like I've turned my back on my long time nemisis, Ellen.

Who is your favorite look-alike?

The "Ellen" Hogan Show

I was 15 and had just made the move from a very private school where I had studied for nine years, to a very public school. Like many people in that situation, I was forced to introduce myself all over again and since I had never done that before, I was a little intimidated. A perk of being in that position is that you have to chance to reinvent yourself. After all, no one knows you so you can fudge a few facts or erase some that you weren't all that fond of in the first place.


After a few months there, I had made some solid friends and seemed to have a reasonably good standing in the 600+ person freshman class. I hadn't broken the cool barrier by any means, but I was known and hadn't been branded as anything that would effect my upward social movement or my self-confidence.

One day, I walked into the common area. The common area was the place that all the conventionally cool people congregated in the morning. I was usually in there, but often times I was not in the mood for the empty conversation and hyped-up personal stories. I was in there this day though. I walked in sporting a brand new striped black and orange Structure shirt and was immediately approached by my friends. We started chatting for a few and out of nowhere, one of my heavier-set pals blurted out, "You look like Ellen."

"You look like Ellen." Those four words. Those four rotten words have been following me around since then. Sure, I escaped them from time to time, but they always came back. They came back later in high school. They came back in college a few times from different crowds. And now, it's made yet another appearance in Asia. Is there nowhere to run? No.

But what is it that looks so much like Ellen? Is it her man-ish look or my fe-man-ish appeal?



My name is George and I'm an Ellen look alike.

Step 1: Complete...

Korean "Meet the Parents"

Well, a new comedy is in the making.

"In the vein of "Meet the Parents" and inspired by real events, the pitch follows an American guy who falls in love with a Korean woman while teaching English as a second language. He proposes marriage and she says yes, with a condition: Her Korean family must approve and they must have a traditional wedding in Korea. So the groom makes the trip with his family in an effort to marry his true love."

Obviously this will be my favorite movie of all time. I guess my story was a little different though. I gained approval before we were engaged and I wanted to have a traditional wedding. Who could pass up the hats and man-dresses?

So, let's pretend the movie is based on my wedding. Who do you think will play the roles of those in my wedding?

Who would play me, 고운, and Micah? (The three in the Korean garb and from left to right: 고운, me [George], Micah.)



Can you guys help?

The Tough Guy Chronicles: The Shredder

Today's Tough Guy seems to think that 11 days in Mexico is worthy of an entire blog, but I think that cousin "Tasha" should be posting on Tough Guys neurotic and compulsive behaviour.

From Mexican Adventure,

"Last night I woke up in a frenzy. For some reason I thought I was at the airport unable to go to Mexico because I did not have my passport. I begin to look for my passport at MIDNIGHT. Everyone who knows me knows that I am So A-TYPE, so the fact that I could not locate my passport in my home office was a
major event. Everything in my house has a place!!!! After about 30 minutes of looking for this 4 inch passport in an a 10 by 10 spotless room, I call my cousin Tasha in complete frustration and tears. She calmly asks me OVER and OVER again when was the last time I saw my passport and I keep frantically repeating OVER and OVER again that I must have thrown it away because it is NOT in my house. We all know that I am the shredder and no tolerance of clutter queen , so I am convinced Dream Sanitation has my passport. I completely rip apart my office, looking in the same file cabinet and closet for over an hour. At this point, my supportive cousin is online researching how to get a new passport expedited by Friday, (which I might add would have cost over $500). Out of complete frustration, I hung up with Tash and resolve that I am NOT going on this MUCH NEEDED trip. I decide to look for the 80th time in the same file cabinet and look through the same check boxes I had looked in and low and behold the PASSPORT is there."

She is SOOOO A-Type, huh? I wanted to find out just what Type A entailed and our old friend Wikipedia has the answer.

Symptoms of Type A Behavior

1) An intrinsic insecurity or insufficient level of self-esteem, which is considered to be the root cause of the syndrome.
2) Time urgency and impatience, which causes irritation and exasperation.
3) Free floating hostility, which can be triggered by even minor incidents.

I am not surprised at all that she acted this way, but I am more concerned for Tasha really. I don't know what kind of relationship most of you have with your cousins, but it would be so odd if I called my cousin at midnight to cry about a dream I had. And tears? Really? Tears?

I really love how Tough Guy describes herself.

• Soooo A-Type


• The Shredder


• The Intolerant Queen of Clutter

Maybe I'm coming down to hard our The Shredder. I mean, I think everybody has a little Shedder in them. For instance, last week I had a dream that I was going to buy shoes at the local Korean equivalent of Foot Locker, but when I got there, I realized I had no socks on. I was not going to be able to try on shoes! After I totally woke up and shook off the dream, I began to look for socks at one in the morning. Everyone who knows me, knows I put socks in my sock drawer, so the fact that I could not locate them in that drawer was a major event. Every sock has a place!! After thirty minutes of looking for my knee socks that go with my saddle oxfords which of course matched my lederhosen, I called my cousin Greg and started hyperventilating.

He calmly asked me over and over again why it was so urgent that I had to call him in the middle of the night AND what it had to do with him. I told him that because we were related that I had every right to call him anytime and display just how insecure I really am. We all know that I am a clipper and am intolerant of any displacement of socks or foot-related apparel, so I was convinced that my mustache had, yet again, taken it upon itself to hid my personal objects. For the next hour, I sat with my head buried in my empty sock drawer while I calmed down. My cousin told me to look for the sock rather than just stare blankly at the imitation-wood drawer. Being the supportive one that he is, he was apparently fed up with me and was searching for institutions that could house someone in my condition who boasted in public space about their potentially hostile behavior. He found a great little place called Sunny Oaks, but he was too late. I had found my socks. They were on my feet after all. Now I can get shoes and continue giving details as to why I shouldn't have children.

But seriously, what should Tasha have done when bothered for probably the hundredth time by a obsessive compulsive relative like The Intolerant Queen of Clutter?

The Tough Guy Chronicles: Counting on the Cluffs

Greetings from the Cluff Family! This family is priceless.

From The Crazy Cluff Crew...

"I just love the 4th of July! We are so blessed to live in America and enjoy the freedoms that we do. They kids had a great time and we did some fun things to help them better understand the meaning behind all the fireworks, picnics and fun! We drove around Egar and counted all the flags we could find.............68 to be exact! The kids had so much fun looking for and spotting flags."

Those Cluff's are one wacky crew! I remember the 4th from my childhood very clearly. We would also drive around making sure that people's flags were proudly displayed in the lawn or on the front porch. I think that the Cluff's have it right and I was wondering if they did this type of scavenger hunt for all holidays. Now that I'm married, I have to start thinking of how to celebrate National Holiday's and you better believe that I'm going to take a page from the Cluff family playbook.

I'll call it "Cluffing".

When I started this post, I was a little worried that I wouldn't have enough to write, so I called the Cluffs up and asked them to help me with some other holidays. If I couldn't count things on National Holidays, then America has lost what is truly great about it: Freedom to Miss the Point.

So I called the Cluff Crew. The odd thing was that they all answered the phone at the same time, but they didn't say "hello", they said "hi". I was taken back a bit, but after they assured me that they had done extensive counting and discovered that most callers find it endearing and often reply, "Those Cluffs!" when they hear the greeting, I felt much better. "Those Cluffs!"

So here's a quick slice of my talk with the Cluffs. And this is AFTER the greeting.

Me: Cluffs. Is that okay if I call you "Cluffs"?

Entire Cluff family in unison: No. We are the Cluff Crew or TCC.

Me: Okay. Cluff Crew. I really like your holiday counting tradition and...

Entire Cluff family in unison: It's sooo Cluff Crew.

Me: Okay, but as I was saying, I like your counting tradition and was wondering how and what you counted for other holidays.

Entire Cluff family in unison: We count.

Me: Right, but what do you count on, say, Christmas? Crosses?

Entire Cluff family in unison: We used to count crosses until the accident.

Me: The accident?

Entire Cluff family in unison: ...

Me: So, what do you count on Christmas?

Entire Cluff family in unison: The Cluff Crew counts nativity scenes.

Me: Alright. That could be fun. What about...

Entire Cluff family in unison: Fax!

Me: Excuse me? Did you say "fax"?

Entire Cluff family in unison: TCC has to go. We'll fax you our counting list.

Me: But I don't have a fax machine. Does anybody still have a fax machine?

Entire Cluff family in unison: You do now. Count on it.

END OF CONVERSATION

It was an odd conversation to say the least, but I did receive a fax machine and a fax of their counting list. I scanned a copy of it here for you.



Those are the basics of any Cluff Crew holiday outing. I was a little let down though. The list was so incomplete. I mean, they offered great advice and I will definetly spend those holidays counting, but what about the others?

Now that I've been turned on this custom, I can't walk away from it. I need to count as much as possible and I also need to come up with a catchy name like "Cluff Crew", but using my last name. Maybe The Hogan Herd?

So I need your help. What can I count for the following holidays?

Religious Freedom Day (January 16)

National Sanctity of Human Life Day (Third Sunday in January)

Greek Independence Day (March 25)

National D.A.R.E. Day (Second Thursday in April)

Loyalty Day (May 1)

National Defense Transportation Day and National Transportation Week (third Friday in May and week thereof)

National Maritime Day (May 22)

Women's Equality Day (August 26)

Patriot Day (September 11)

Gold Star Mother's Day (last Sunday in September)

Child Health Day (First Monday in October)

German-American Day (October 6)

General Pulaski Memorial Day (October 11)

White Cane Safety Day (October 15)

World AIDS Day (December 1)

These are very important to the Hogan Herd. Also can anyone improve on the "Hogan Herd"?

Explanation

Perhaps it's time to explain the title of this blog and the picture of my stached-face hovering over a bowl of makkoli.



If you want to know what makkoli is the click here. Makkoli is a great Sunday afternoon drink. It's light, it tastes great and it's got that extra kick that gets you going.

The floating translucent stached-face is just that. It was my attempt to try something new on Photo Shop while incorporating the title of the blog.

So, these are my thoughts over a nice cool Sunday afternoon drink.

The Tough Guy Chronicles: "Smashing and Stuff"

Since I spend so much time blabbing about other people's business on my other blog, I figured that I should do the same here. The Morning Clam is almost all politics and world events though. In a new installment in line with my current thirst to find something non-political to write about, I am simply going to click on the "Next Blog" link at the top of the page and make comments about what other people think is important. Who knows? I might find some great stuff.

I will title it "The Tough Guy Chronicles".

So, let's get started with our first "Tough Guy".
From The xTrinity

"MONDAY"

badminton with melissa, josephine, jasmine, jackie, melisa, benny, terrance and huiling. it was really fun. woke up met terrance at his house there and i made him run to catch my bus haha. reached punngol community center the same time as the rest who went for breakfast first. played than jackie and huiling came. played for quite awhile than this weird guy booked a court but he was alone so he asked if he could join us. i was hinting a NO but he kept like saying he does not mind and stuff so like whatever. haha he kept smashing and stuff. around 1 30 plus left for plaza sing with terrance to watch hancock and it was awesome! ate subway for lunch and ajisen ramen for dinner and OMG terrance spent $50 dollars in one day. & did i mention we saw mr eswaren 2 times !?!?! once at the CC and the other at ps. so qiao! haha.

This is too much for me to take in. Well, this Tough Guy seems to "like" love basketball and "whatever". I guess my question is why would this "weird guy" who booked the court even consider sharing the court with this snob? He booked the damn court. I think he should have told Huiling to take a hike. The second that the Tough Guy started "hinting NO", the "weird guy" should have taken every available basketball and put them on the court that he reserved.

"Weird guy" is not me though and he apparently shared his court and "stuff". I must admit that I'm a little intrigued as to what "smashing and stuff" entails. It reminds me a little of that amazing Big Pun song.



You know. I'm a little suspect of Terrance as well. Tough Guy claims that he spent fifty whole dollars in one day, but from what I read, I just can't figure it out. I think that Terrance has a few vices that he's hiding from me. He caught a bus to the community center. That couldn't cost more than a few bucks. Then they played basketball on a court that was already booked by someone else, so even if they did have to pay normally, "weird guy" had already taken that one off of our old friend Terrance. Then they went to a matinee movie which certainly wouldn't have cost him more than fifteen bucks. Add that up to Subway and ramen and I just don't get a total anywhere near fifty bucks.

You know what I think? I think Terrance paid the "weird guy" for all the "smashing and stuff".

What do you think? Where did Terrance really spend that money? AND why is he hiding it from today's Tough Guy?

Night-time habits

Being married is really quite amazing. You're always with the person who knows you best and both of you get to witness and playfully navigate through those idiosyncrasies that no one else will ever know or understand.

And as an added bonus, you get to witness 100% of your spouses night-time habits. I can say with all seriousness, that 고 does not make a sound. She is silent and almost lifeless except for the occasional shift or move-the-leg-on-top-of-me maneuver. We've lived with each other for over a year and honestly I can't sleep without her silent presence or even her middle of the night leg placement. Now, she might not say the same thing about me. Her issue is more related to my snoring which from what she said, can get pretty violent for the first ten minutes or so. Regardless of our individual quirks, we pretty much have discovered most of our night-time habits at this point. Or so I thought.

Last night was like any other night. We BOTH worked out (by that I mean she worked and I wrote nonsense on my blogs) and then got into bed by 10:30 or 11:00. We fell asleep soon after and that was going to be that. Well, it's starting to get super hot and terribly humid here in Korea, so maybe at 2:00am I woke up to turn the fan on and kick the air conditioner into full gear. When I did that, 고 woke up and asked me to crack the window (see why here). After the air balanced out and it was comfortable again, I fell back asleep.

Again, I woke up. This time it was about 4:30am. I was so hot again and I leaned over to see how 고 was doing with the heat and that's when I discovered the one night-time quirk that I have never known.




Obviously, I knew that she had put this on before bed, but when you're not expecting something so "different", it can throw you for a loop. She's still adorable though!

Band of the Week: Giant - Stay

Any Ideas?

For the past two months or so, I have been teaching part-time at a small school near my current school. The whole idea of this little hagwon is shady. Let me give you a few quick details.

I walked out of school on a Friday after I had finished and was approached no more than thirty feet away from the door by woman who said she was looking for a teacher. She handed me her business card which was made out of basic printer paper. It was all crumbled up and the name and writing on the "card" had faded. First of all, it is illegal for most ESL teachers in Korea to teach at multiple places. However, I'm on a different visa, so I can do whatever I want. Suckers! Still, she did not know that when she approached me and didn't seem to care that I possessed the legal visa. Regardless, I set up an "interview" for the following Monday and went home to tell 고. We were both cautious about the school, but figured an interview wouldn't hurt.

That Monday, I went into her school and met with the director. This women was amazingly creepy. Besides the fact that she was watching cartoons when I came in FOR MY INTERVIEW, this 60 year-old woman had Yoko Uno hair, a checkered silk blouse and a small, yappy Yorkshire Terrior in her lab which, of course, she was compulsively petting during the course of the interview. I asked the basic questions, i.e., pay, hours, and simple contractual details. I was told that there would be no contract "because the director has health issues". That's right. The interview concluded with me having to pass muster or in all reality, the smell test as she made me hold and pet her dog. It was creepy, but since it was virtually thrown in my hands, I had to comply. I gave the dog about 20 seconds of tepid love and then dashed out the door.

The next day, I decided to bring 고 in there to hammer out a few details. Nothing was hammered out, but the pay was good enough and the hours low enough that it would be worth the risk. It has been. I have gotten paid on time, had no problems and it has been worth it.

So, why did I bother writing this? Well, I was in there yesterday and was in the middle of my third class when the director walked in with what I assumed was tea. I was grateful and did my insincere bow and continued teaching while holding the cup of cool tea. I smelled it before I took a sip and it smelled fine. So, I drank. It tasted odd. I smelled it again and then took another sip. The director had put alcohol in the damn tea! And it wasn't just a little alcohol. This thing was loaded up. Normally I would have slammed it and asked for another, but I was in so much shock that I had just been offered alcohol while teaching that I had to put it down.

Why would she do this? Only one clear answer: During her afternoon cartoon-watching marathon, she likes to tie a few off and since she was already plastered while she was making my tea, she mixed the two up and gave me hers.

You have any better ideas?

King Koopa Did It!!!

And he does it for the sheer pleasure of making trouble!



Youtube is getting better and better!

I was also happy in know that Jason Bateman is the Video Game...Prince. I agree. Also, what the hell is the deal with voice of the Princess? I never thought she spoke like that.

Band of the Week: Giant - I'll See You in My Dreams

You know what song kicks ass today? This one...



Artist: Giant

Song: I'll See You in My Dreams

"George is a genius..."

I've never seen such an accurate title. Of course there are so many levels to that genius, and I can admit that most of them are well below what would be scientifically accepted as "genius". Regardless of this minor detail, in the eyes of my mother-in-law, I am quite skilled in timing and being able to read the situation and exercise what is called in Korean as 눈치 (nunchi). It simply means "tact". My friends know that I have no such quality, but when it comes to my Korean family, I have to suspend my usual over-the-top, loud mouth attitude and hone in on some other qualities.

How did this come about? Well, as I mentioned in a previous post, I had a Yanni Dance party that was meant to crush the spirits of a rival and send a clear message that I am going to remain at the top of the in-law ticket. That dance party came with an added bonus. As I said, I simply went to Youtube and typed in Yanni which on course provided me with tons of Yanni songs and specifically, his most popular songs. Unbeknownst to me, while the party was in full swing, 고's mom kept on telling everyone (in Korean) how amazed she was that I knew all of her favorite songs; that I knew just what she liked and was selecting them with ease and without a break in the mood or atmosphere.

The point of this is that she had no idea what Youtube was or how it worked. She simply thought that I was a genius and had the know-how to select the songs that she liked because I liked them too. I did like them, but would not have made those selections.

고 knew that this helped my standing and did not reveal to her mother how I was selecting such tunes. Sweet 고고!

Trickets, huh?

I have heard rumors that they're thinking of opening Opryland again in Nashville, TN to boost the slowing tourism. That would be great, but it seems like whenever I went there as a kid, most of the rides were broken (mostly just "Chaos" ). Here's a great old commercial.



Now open weekends? Were they really not open on the weekends before this ad campaign?
And who the hell goes to the same theme pary three days in a row?

Thanks Yanni

My brother-in-law, 김영승, is quite a fun guy. We're in regular contact and even though his English isn't perfect and my Korean is "special", we still manage to have some brotherly fun. That is...until 고운 told me that 영승 and his girlfriend had been over to her mom's place (my mother-in-law of course) and that this "girlfriend" had made an excellent impression on her.

You might think that I would be happy for everyone involved in this situation and if you did then, well, you would be wrong. You see, ever since I met 고's mom after only three weeks into our relationship, I have been maintaining my number one status with everyone in the family. I have been able to do this WITHOUT the use of Korean. Imagine if I was fluent! -maybe that would hurt me. Nonetheless, this new bird flies in there and makes a great impression on her therefore challenging my number status as the BEST EVER. So naturally, I saw this not as a potential wife for 영승 and future family member, but as threat to my reign.

A few days later, 고 told me that we were going to her mom's for lunch and that the purpose of the lunch was for me and 고 to meet 영승's girlfriend. I immediately dropped to the floor and did fifty push-ups. I had to be fit if I wanted to compete. For the next few hours, I looked in the mirror while making polite but intimidating faces and poses that were sure to throw off my competition. And then, just before it was time to go and after taking my daily steroid injection, I put on one song that was sure to give me that little extra kick that I needed.

That's right. We hopped in a cab and before long, we were there. Expecting to see my new rival, I walked in the door with my head held high and a confident, yet demeaning smirk. She wasn't in there. It was just 고's mom. We sat and talked and I try to cement my image as much as possible.

Over an hour later, she and 김영승 walked in. The battle started. Immediately, she went after my weak spot: speaking to 고's mother. I held her off by making sure 고's mom always had enough to drink. It was clearly a battle of calculated attrition. So, they we were; sitting on either side of her, vying for the top spot. I was certain that my charm and need to be the loudest person in the room would carry me to glory, but all of a sudden, the "girlfriend" went for the kill. As I was talking to 김영승 and 고, I noticed that she had loaded some meat and vegetables on a piece of lettuce and proceeded to feed 고's mom. I was beat. How could I top that? I couldn't feed her, that's weird.

I bit the bullet and ventured into the other room. I frantically paced back and forth trying to make sense of what just happened and how I could come back. I needed help, but from who or where? The sweat was pouring down my face. My heart was racing , but then I glanced at a bookcase near the computer and saw a Yanni DVD from his show in Beijing. I knew that 고's mom loved Yanni, so without hesitation I ran over to the computer, went to Youtube and typed in 'yanni". I turned up the volume and waited for the bass to kick in before I walked back into the other room.

I put on my yellow leopard-skin shirt and tight-in-the-front jeans and cued the smoke machine for my big entrance. It had to be perfect.

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and stepped into the room. The smoke was bellowing out from behind me. All eyes were planted on me and I knew that I had to go straight for the kill. I walked directly over to 고's mom, took her by the hand and began to dance. It was a bass-driven song and quite easy to dance to. My extensive background in Mazurka helped me as we spun, hopped and skipped all over the threatening rise of my challenger. It was hard to hear over 고's moms laughter, but I think I heard the "girlfriends" spirit break. It sounded like this.

The dancing continued for about twenty minutes or so and when it was all over, I had defended my title, drank way too much and crushed the spirit of a completely unsuspecting girl. It was a victory that will be remembered for decades and celebrated for centuries.

Thanks Yanni. I will always defend your mustache for what you have done for me.

Really?

My eyes get red, especially after beer, a long day, too much sun, if someone is looking at my eyes when I think they are red or when someone else has red eyes. Odd, but I think that its pretty common with fair eyed people. So, I need eye drops. 고 and I went to the pharmacy and picked some up.



Again, it's blurry, but you probably saw that it was RED. That's just want I want to put in my already red eyes. Also, it's called Tinkle. It works though, still I'm not super thrilled to put red Tinkle in my eyes.

Draw

We went and saw North Korea and South Korea play last night in a somewhat meaningless qualifier to reach the next round of qualifiers that begin in September. Both countries will be moving on. The game was at World Cup stadium and was pretty dull. The beer was good.


It's awful quality and dark, but those are the unification people.