The Tough Guy Chronicles: Used Bathwater

This is an odd Tough Guy today. The blog is in Spanish and I didn't even bother to translate any of it because the title was enough.


First the full title, " Bathwater: I Still Love to Wash in Your Old Bathwater".

That's gross. Do I have to write more?

***Update***

I did translate some of it and this is what I got...

"And the only thing I wanted was the simple things, a kind of simple life. And all you needed was a simple man .. As a patient you are looking for domestic abuser fight, everything that I wanted were things simple. A kind of simple life .. If we knew tomorrow for the first time Will start all over again? Will attempt to make my own? Now all the simple things simply are quite complicated for my life .. When everything you always wanted are things simple. A kind of simple life."

I guess she broke up with someone and apparently he might have loved a good "domestic abuser fight". Who doesn't? I would like to mention that this Tough Guy posted the lyrics to Don't Speak, so her ex is lucky to have made it out. And since she titled her blog "I Still Want to Lay in Your Filth", I can only imagine that she is pretty obsessed (or waiting for that invisibility suit to be created).

Can you think of a better way to say "I Still Love to Wash in Your Old Bathwater."


***Update 2***

Wait! Do you think that she has kept his old bathwater in her bathtub since they broke up and she STILL loves to wash in it? If so, then she might just be the toughest Tough Guy yet.

The Tough Guy Chronicles: Heil Tough Stuff

Finding good Tough Guys can be difficult as there are thousands of food-related, car-related, German, Spanish and fashion blogs that I must sift through to find a decent one. Today's Tough Guy embodies everything that a Tough Guy should. Well, scratch that. Today's Tough Guy is not funny. In fact, it's a Nazi blog from Spain. It's all in Spanish and there is nothing interesting to translate at all and since there's very low potential for humor on an Aryan site anyways, I guess I'll do a caption contest and see how that goes.

From, The Movement

Photo #1: The Car



Photo #2: The Bat




Photo #3: The Skirt




Photo #4: The Map




Good luck!

Also, feel free to give those in the photo's amusing names. And if you were at a party with those featured on this site, what song would you play first?

Here's my go to song...



I'd want to get the bat guy alone.

The Tough Guy Chronicles: Cold as Ice

Today's Tough Guy has a lot to learn. Apparently, common sense is lost on our writer as they attempt to fall asleep.

From the Ramble Kid,

Titled: Listen to Big Sister

"I had a headache and thought a little coffee would zap the problem. My sister said that I wouldn't be able to sleep if I had the coffee. She was right. It is almost 2:30 in the morning, and I am not the least bit drowsy. The two Excedrin got rid of my headache. Of course Excedrin contains caffeine. Ultimately I was up until past 5:00 am. Never again shall I enjoy my coffee at night. Plus my teeth are starting to hurt from eating trays of ice cubes compulsively. Perhaps an iron deficiency. I need a sleeping pill the size of a donut."

I wish that I could make this stuff up. Our Tough Guy had a little headache, so they decided to drink a some coffee. Sounds about right. Many pain relievers contain caffeine and caffeine can relieve tension headaches in many cases. However, they omitted what time they consumed said coffee. If this Tough Guy had any sense, then I would hope that they knew that caffeine would also have the side effect of sleeplessness. What wait. Not only did they drink coffee to "zap" the headache, they decided that two Excedrin was needed on top of that. So, they knowingly took two doses of serious caffeine, complained about it online at 2:30am and then deservedly fell asleep at 5:00am. And all they can say is "Listen to your big sister". This is a total lapse in judgement.

I'm wondering though, what is the living arrangement here? Are these siblings living together or does our Tough Guy just like to bother family members with petty problems much like The Shredder did? And if so, I would think that our Tough Guy would value the advice of an older sister since it is apparently sought after so regularly.

Also, what they hell is the deal with the ice? Tough Guy's "teeth are starting to hurt from eating trays of ice cubes compulsively". I have only known dogs to eat ice cubes. Youtube agrees.

I guess my question is: What kind of person eats entire trays of ice cubes? Or what would you offer Tough Guy as a substitute for such an addiction?

The Tough Guy Chronicles: Cold Water Bucket Treatment

There are only a few things that I know to be true: All men look better with a mustache, tuxedo T-shirts will always be fashionable and that today's Tough Guy has got to be one of the most obnoxious people I have encountered.

Today's Tough Guy known as Nicole Mobile seems to think that taking pictures of things like this and adding the caption:

"On my way home from work, in the elevator that takes me to the underground parking."

r how about this one captioned "Vacuuming Action"


By the way, the writer of this blog is a woman and judging by the arm hair I think it's safe to say that she's European.

This type of blog is hard to comment on since it has no text, stories or anything decent to look at. So, how about this. I'll follow her for a day or so and make my comments on her excellent images.

"We woke up early today because my live-in boyfriend Vincent and I were woken up by his child from a previous one-night stand. So, we did what most parents would do and gave him the "cold water bucket treatment". We left him there and went back to sleep for a few hours."


"After our morning drinks, little Billy came running up to us to show us what he'd been working on for the past few days. "



"I thought it was crap, so I let him know it. If you want to succeed you have to be able to take criticism."

"We wrecked it up good. After another cold water bucket (CWB) for little Billy, we decided to meet some of our wacky friends."

"This is Clyde. He is the wackiest guy I know. I can't believe that someone is as creative as Clyde. He wants to be a writer you know. After laughing at his chop stick antics for hours, we decided to go out and have a seat at a local cafe. All of a sudden, this kid came up and was bragging about how good at drawing he was. I let him know that I did not like the one on the right."

"I mean, just look at the hair and how out of proportion the head is to the rest of the body. We gave him a CWB immediately. After we ripped up his drawings, I decided that it would be funny to steal his shoes."

"After our morning fun, we headed over to the Medicare office to see if we could get a little extra help from the tax payers. "

"Then it was off too Target. I waned these shoes so badly, but Vincent said that we couldn't afford it."

"They're so nice! I'll have to save up I guess. Luckily, our pal Maurice was nearby and we hit the strip and just cruised."

"I rolled the window down and put my hand out and made it glide up and down to the beat. He was playing my favorite song. "

"The cruise was amazing. I never knew a Geo Metro had so much gusto. Finally the day came to end and Vicent and I had to go to our duplex."

In all seriousness, the amount of energy that it took to look this blog is amazing. The images are so damn boring and even though she's trying to capture the mundane of life, this is too much. I don't care what the super market looks like. I could care less what dinner you made for dinner and if I see a picture of Vincent one more time I will fly to Australia and start my own blog about Nicole working on Nicole's blog about Nicole.

A commenter suggested that I cover this blog and I appreciate the interest, but this was draining. I challenge anyone to spend more than five minutes looking at this blog.

If you could ask Nicole one thing, what would it be?

Do you have any advice for Vincent?

The Tough Guy Chronicles: The Shredder

Today's Tough Guy seems to think that 11 days in Mexico is worthy of an entire blog, but I think that cousin "Tasha" should be posting on Tough Guys neurotic and compulsive behaviour.

From Mexican Adventure,

"Last night I woke up in a frenzy. For some reason I thought I was at the airport unable to go to Mexico because I did not have my passport. I begin to look for my passport at MIDNIGHT. Everyone who knows me knows that I am So A-TYPE, so the fact that I could not locate my passport in my home office was a
major event. Everything in my house has a place!!!! After about 30 minutes of looking for this 4 inch passport in an a 10 by 10 spotless room, I call my cousin Tasha in complete frustration and tears. She calmly asks me OVER and OVER again when was the last time I saw my passport and I keep frantically repeating OVER and OVER again that I must have thrown it away because it is NOT in my house. We all know that I am the shredder and no tolerance of clutter queen , so I am convinced Dream Sanitation has my passport. I completely rip apart my office, looking in the same file cabinet and closet for over an hour. At this point, my supportive cousin is online researching how to get a new passport expedited by Friday, (which I might add would have cost over $500). Out of complete frustration, I hung up with Tash and resolve that I am NOT going on this MUCH NEEDED trip. I decide to look for the 80th time in the same file cabinet and look through the same check boxes I had looked in and low and behold the PASSPORT is there."

She is SOOOO A-Type, huh? I wanted to find out just what Type A entailed and our old friend Wikipedia has the answer.

Symptoms of Type A Behavior

1) An intrinsic insecurity or insufficient level of self-esteem, which is considered to be the root cause of the syndrome.
2) Time urgency and impatience, which causes irritation and exasperation.
3) Free floating hostility, which can be triggered by even minor incidents.

I am not surprised at all that she acted this way, but I am more concerned for Tasha really. I don't know what kind of relationship most of you have with your cousins, but it would be so odd if I called my cousin at midnight to cry about a dream I had. And tears? Really? Tears?

I really love how Tough Guy describes herself.

• Soooo A-Type


• The Shredder


• The Intolerant Queen of Clutter

Maybe I'm coming down to hard our The Shredder. I mean, I think everybody has a little Shedder in them. For instance, last week I had a dream that I was going to buy shoes at the local Korean equivalent of Foot Locker, but when I got there, I realized I had no socks on. I was not going to be able to try on shoes! After I totally woke up and shook off the dream, I began to look for socks at one in the morning. Everyone who knows me, knows I put socks in my sock drawer, so the fact that I could not locate them in that drawer was a major event. Every sock has a place!! After thirty minutes of looking for my knee socks that go with my saddle oxfords which of course matched my lederhosen, I called my cousin Greg and started hyperventilating.

He calmly asked me over and over again why it was so urgent that I had to call him in the middle of the night AND what it had to do with him. I told him that because we were related that I had every right to call him anytime and display just how insecure I really am. We all know that I am a clipper and am intolerant of any displacement of socks or foot-related apparel, so I was convinced that my mustache had, yet again, taken it upon itself to hid my personal objects. For the next hour, I sat with my head buried in my empty sock drawer while I calmed down. My cousin told me to look for the sock rather than just stare blankly at the imitation-wood drawer. Being the supportive one that he is, he was apparently fed up with me and was searching for institutions that could house someone in my condition who boasted in public space about their potentially hostile behavior. He found a great little place called Sunny Oaks, but he was too late. I had found my socks. They were on my feet after all. Now I can get shoes and continue giving details as to why I shouldn't have children.

But seriously, what should Tasha have done when bothered for probably the hundredth time by a obsessive compulsive relative like The Intolerant Queen of Clutter?

The Tough Guy Chronicles: Counting on the Cluffs

Greetings from the Cluff Family! This family is priceless.

From The Crazy Cluff Crew...

"I just love the 4th of July! We are so blessed to live in America and enjoy the freedoms that we do. They kids had a great time and we did some fun things to help them better understand the meaning behind all the fireworks, picnics and fun! We drove around Egar and counted all the flags we could find.............68 to be exact! The kids had so much fun looking for and spotting flags."

Those Cluff's are one wacky crew! I remember the 4th from my childhood very clearly. We would also drive around making sure that people's flags were proudly displayed in the lawn or on the front porch. I think that the Cluff's have it right and I was wondering if they did this type of scavenger hunt for all holidays. Now that I'm married, I have to start thinking of how to celebrate National Holiday's and you better believe that I'm going to take a page from the Cluff family playbook.

I'll call it "Cluffing".

When I started this post, I was a little worried that I wouldn't have enough to write, so I called the Cluffs up and asked them to help me with some other holidays. If I couldn't count things on National Holidays, then America has lost what is truly great about it: Freedom to Miss the Point.

So I called the Cluff Crew. The odd thing was that they all answered the phone at the same time, but they didn't say "hello", they said "hi". I was taken back a bit, but after they assured me that they had done extensive counting and discovered that most callers find it endearing and often reply, "Those Cluffs!" when they hear the greeting, I felt much better. "Those Cluffs!"

So here's a quick slice of my talk with the Cluffs. And this is AFTER the greeting.

Me: Cluffs. Is that okay if I call you "Cluffs"?

Entire Cluff family in unison: No. We are the Cluff Crew or TCC.

Me: Okay. Cluff Crew. I really like your holiday counting tradition and...

Entire Cluff family in unison: It's sooo Cluff Crew.

Me: Okay, but as I was saying, I like your counting tradition and was wondering how and what you counted for other holidays.

Entire Cluff family in unison: We count.

Me: Right, but what do you count on, say, Christmas? Crosses?

Entire Cluff family in unison: We used to count crosses until the accident.

Me: The accident?

Entire Cluff family in unison: ...

Me: So, what do you count on Christmas?

Entire Cluff family in unison: The Cluff Crew counts nativity scenes.

Me: Alright. That could be fun. What about...

Entire Cluff family in unison: Fax!

Me: Excuse me? Did you say "fax"?

Entire Cluff family in unison: TCC has to go. We'll fax you our counting list.

Me: But I don't have a fax machine. Does anybody still have a fax machine?

Entire Cluff family in unison: You do now. Count on it.

END OF CONVERSATION

It was an odd conversation to say the least, but I did receive a fax machine and a fax of their counting list. I scanned a copy of it here for you.



Those are the basics of any Cluff Crew holiday outing. I was a little let down though. The list was so incomplete. I mean, they offered great advice and I will definetly spend those holidays counting, but what about the others?

Now that I've been turned on this custom, I can't walk away from it. I need to count as much as possible and I also need to come up with a catchy name like "Cluff Crew", but using my last name. Maybe The Hogan Herd?

So I need your help. What can I count for the following holidays?

Religious Freedom Day (January 16)

National Sanctity of Human Life Day (Third Sunday in January)

Greek Independence Day (March 25)

National D.A.R.E. Day (Second Thursday in April)

Loyalty Day (May 1)

National Defense Transportation Day and National Transportation Week (third Friday in May and week thereof)

National Maritime Day (May 22)

Women's Equality Day (August 26)

Patriot Day (September 11)

Gold Star Mother's Day (last Sunday in September)

Child Health Day (First Monday in October)

German-American Day (October 6)

General Pulaski Memorial Day (October 11)

White Cane Safety Day (October 15)

World AIDS Day (December 1)

These are very important to the Hogan Herd. Also can anyone improve on the "Hogan Herd"?

The Tough Guy Chronicles: "Smashing and Stuff"

Since I spend so much time blabbing about other people's business on my other blog, I figured that I should do the same here. The Morning Clam is almost all politics and world events though. In a new installment in line with my current thirst to find something non-political to write about, I am simply going to click on the "Next Blog" link at the top of the page and make comments about what other people think is important. Who knows? I might find some great stuff.

I will title it "The Tough Guy Chronicles".

So, let's get started with our first "Tough Guy".
From The xTrinity

"MONDAY"

badminton with melissa, josephine, jasmine, jackie, melisa, benny, terrance and huiling. it was really fun. woke up met terrance at his house there and i made him run to catch my bus haha. reached punngol community center the same time as the rest who went for breakfast first. played than jackie and huiling came. played for quite awhile than this weird guy booked a court but he was alone so he asked if he could join us. i was hinting a NO but he kept like saying he does not mind and stuff so like whatever. haha he kept smashing and stuff. around 1 30 plus left for plaza sing with terrance to watch hancock and it was awesome! ate subway for lunch and ajisen ramen for dinner and OMG terrance spent $50 dollars in one day. & did i mention we saw mr eswaren 2 times !?!?! once at the CC and the other at ps. so qiao! haha.

This is too much for me to take in. Well, this Tough Guy seems to "like" love basketball and "whatever". I guess my question is why would this "weird guy" who booked the court even consider sharing the court with this snob? He booked the damn court. I think he should have told Huiling to take a hike. The second that the Tough Guy started "hinting NO", the "weird guy" should have taken every available basketball and put them on the court that he reserved.

"Weird guy" is not me though and he apparently shared his court and "stuff". I must admit that I'm a little intrigued as to what "smashing and stuff" entails. It reminds me a little of that amazing Big Pun song.



You know. I'm a little suspect of Terrance as well. Tough Guy claims that he spent fifty whole dollars in one day, but from what I read, I just can't figure it out. I think that Terrance has a few vices that he's hiding from me. He caught a bus to the community center. That couldn't cost more than a few bucks. Then they played basketball on a court that was already booked by someone else, so even if they did have to pay normally, "weird guy" had already taken that one off of our old friend Terrance. Then they went to a matinee movie which certainly wouldn't have cost him more than fifteen bucks. Add that up to Subway and ramen and I just don't get a total anywhere near fifty bucks.

You know what I think? I think Terrance paid the "weird guy" for all the "smashing and stuff".

What do you think? Where did Terrance really spend that money? AND why is he hiding it from today's Tough Guy?